Want to see me integrate shadows in real time?

If you’ve read the last few posts you’ll know I’ve been somewhat incensed (again) over the lack of care, compassion and ethical conduct by some people in some instances in our industry. This is not new for me, and I’m not alone in these concerns.

The tricky part in an unregulated industry that is supposed to help people heal and grow, there is a complex interplay between the psychological make up of the coach, the capacity of the client, the skills of the coach, the promises made, the social context, the values of each, the communication and expectations – both spoken and unspoken and how that all plays out over time inside a construct of business where people’s livelihood is at stake.

Since I’ve been studying drama cycles in depth, whenever these issues flare up now, I take myself through a process. I consciously permit myself to inhabit the fullness of the archetypal energy that is arising without censoring it. I let myself name the unspoken, and I move through each layer fully. The only way to fully diffuse the drama is for each person involved to inhabit each 3 corners of the cycle; victim, agressor and rescuer and then choose to find the balance point in between those pendulums. When we can find the balance of care and empathy, ownership and responsibility and assertiveness & confidence, then the drama diffuses and we can be wiser for the next cycle.

In part 1 I consciously stepped into the ring in rescuer-agressor / Warrior Guardian to name a recurring industry pattern. I spoke up for those who have been victimised by unscrupulous and unethical marketing and sales tactics that lowers trust in coaching overall, and named the specific “douchebag marketing” behaviours that I stand against. Again, this is not about any specific person, but instead an archetypal opportunism that is rewarded in the short term but costs everyone in the long term.

Then in part 2 I spoke to the other side of the equation; naming the behaviours that make one susceptible to the hooks of opportunist behaviour. The vulnerable, hopeful, gullible, newbie or experienced but exhausted client longing to be supported that is taken in by the inflated promises.

Now, I’ve named all that, there’s space inside myself to reflect on my hooks; why it gets under my skin so much and how I can own my own shadows around it.

So I’ve been speaking to an opportunist archetype within the industry that has a specific set of behaviours that work to optimise the owners profit, without being in fair exchange or service integrity with a percentage of their clients.

Here’s the behaviours that create issues.

• Hyped up promises inflating hopes beyond actual capacity.
• Persuasion techniques that work on unconscious mind to override healthy discernment.
• Overworked teams, that cannot deliver to expectations.
• Claims of no-risk and money back guarantees that are not upheld honourably.
• NDA’s that silence clients from making reviews of the service used as leverage to give a refund.

It’s very easy to be outraged about these things. It is worthy of naming and expressing. But it’s very dangerous to wallow in and get hooked by the delicious righteousness of blame.

The harder and more valuable part is the self-reflection and shadow integration that show up as opportunities after that energy has moved through; which where the growth opportunity lies.

After the energy of outrage, disgust, moral high ground expresses and dissipates; then there is more capacity to reflect and find the gold in the deeper nuances.

The underlying values heirarchy that drives these issues is where you value People, and Profit comparatively. The opportunist archetype cares more about profit than people. They will value how much they can put in their back pocket over ensuring all the stakeholders are cared for. It’s optimising for the greatest possible margin, maximising sales, minimising refunds, squeezing team etc.

If you place value there other way around valuing People over Profit, then these behaviours seem unthinkable, but if you stack it the other way then it would be unthinkable not to do it.

This is where the dance of consciousness evolution comes into play. Somehow through frequency attraction we meet up with people who operate by the opposing values sets to learn where we need to grow and expand our awareness.

I’m particularly sensitive to the opportunist money-maker edging into con-artist archetype, because of my own history. When I was a teenager my father was conned by two business partners who lied and defrauded him, and it destroyed him and our family. So my warrior guardian coming in to protect my community members when there is evidence of manipulation is related to the gestalt of this pain from my own early years, where our family became the victim to con-men through my fathers naiveté and I was powerless to help him. In this instance of a similar pattern I do have power, and I can and will use it to protect and educate the people I have responsibility to.

So as I recognise this I see the depth of my aversion to this opportunism archetype, and how it impacts me today. I can see that there are very obvious ways I limit my own business in order to not be like this kind of person in any way.

And, if I integrated the useful parts of this opportunist archetype.

I can see:

• I could be more vocal about the results my clients get.
• I could make bigger, sexier promises and fulfil on them.
• I could utilise the ethical persuasion techniques to invite people into my offers.
• I could increase my focus on profit growth while maintaining integrity.
• I can release whatever layers of pain still exist in my own psyche that hooks me into feeling called to protect and be over-responsible at an industry level.
• I can release and heal any cognitive distortions that have connected maximising profit with doing the wrong thing by people that I learned in my own childhood experiences.

And for the people I know who occasionally inhabit this archetype. I know it is far too simple to lump people into binaries of “good person” or “bad person”… That is a distortion too. People are complex, multifaceted and operating by unconscious strings that we are often not aware of until they blow up in problems.

So if you would like help to unwind some judgements and blame here’s some supporting ideas from NLP that have always helped me return to a more peaceful graciousness that allows me to get on with my life. While they may not always be true, they are useful lenses to shift awareness. Try these ideas on and see how it shifts your perspective.

People are not their behaviours. A person is so much more than anything they have done or not done.
Accept the person, change the behaviour. When we accept the wholeness of the person and speak to the behaviour that needs to shift, we get much better outcomes.

There is no failure, only feedback. This removes blame and creates space for risk-taking, growth and learning.
Every behaviour has a positive intent. This one can be a bit tricky to see at first, but if we put ourself in the other persons shoes and ask what was the positive intent, we can loosen up judgement.

Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have. This reminds me that when I or others operate with less than ideal behaviours, there’s a reason and an underlying capacity, or understanding issue.
Calibrate on behaviour. Just because we accept the person, doesn’t mean we disregard hurtful or damaging behaviour. We calibrate to what a person actually does, not what they meant or intended.

Law of Requisite Variety. Person with the most flexibility of behaviour will control the system. If we want to increase power we must be more flexible in thinking styles, valuing and behaviour.

Ultimately drama can be a powerful teacher and expander if we’re willing to ride it all the way through to the other side, being flexible, learning what’s useful, discovering our blind-spots and hooks, and integrating the lessons and growth so we can make wiser more nuanced discerning decisions in the future.